We had our last service at Northside Church Austin today. There. I said it.
While I know that God is in control, and He has a reason for everything, it was still a hard morning, closing this particular chapter of my life. I think the hardest part is the thought of not seeing people on a regular basis. We've become family, and I will miss them. I'm trying to be positive, reminding myself that it's not necessarily 'goodbye', just 'see ya later'.
I've left churches before, and still maintained friendships, as it should be; but this is the first time it's been because the church closed. I know that churches close for whatever reason, but this is a new one for me; and I have to be honest, I don't like it. Actually, I hate it. I find myself disappointed, mad, sad, and about a bazillion other emotions today. And it didn't help that I've been deleting the church's website, Twitter account, Facebook page and the Women's Ministry Facebook group page.
Meanwhile I'm trying not to listen to the lies such as we didn't do enough, and we failed, or more accurately I didn't do enough, and I failed, but it's hard. And it seems that sticking my fingers in my ears while saying "Na na na na na, I can't hear you!" doesn't work as well as it did when I was a child. I also have to fight the urge to blame others, saying that people weren't as committed as I was and bailed on the church. This is a hard fight because if I'm being honest, I have felt this way for a while, and still feel this way. So basically I'm trying to be an adult while wanting to be totally childish about it... child-ish, not child-like; and yes there's a big difference. This adulting thing really sucks today.
I have to remind myself that God is in control, and that lives were changed through this ministry. Mine included. This sounds simple, but isn't. Not really. I know I can't do it on my own. God has to help me and remind me. Because, like I said, I want to be really childish today.
Back to the idea of being positive and looking on the bright side... by not having church leadership/admin duties, I have time to put into project management and professional development classes for this next year. Because I'm taking classes, I'm purposely not going to jump headfirst into a new active ministry like I'm prone to do when I start going to a new church. That doesn't mean I will not be going to a church or participating in church events. It just means that I won't be in charge of anything, leading anything, or planning anything for the time being. While I'm taking classes, I will also be praying about my next active ministry.
In the mean time, this hymn has been going thru my head all morning. This is for you Northside Church Austin:
God be with you till we meet again
By His counsels guide, uphold you
With His sheep securely fold you
God be with you till we meet again.
